Trust: Who do we trust and why?

Recently I have been thinking about the issue of trust, and when that barrier, of trust is lowered, enabling us to trust others. I want to begin by asking the question, when does a person begin to trust another person? There are people who we know well, who we do trust, and others who we know just as well, that we don’t trust. Then, there are people who we dont know that well, whom we nearly automatically trust, because they appear like the ‘type of person’ we could trust. Trust is a major part in the foundation of interpersonal relationships. It is just as easy to build trust as it is to break it down on a daily basis. I have thought of 5 key elements in the trust process:

Past Experiences: This can play a part in the development of trust, a bad experience trusting others of similar nature or even that same person. A past experience of your trust being violated or betrayed, can easily lead to you keeping problems to yourself and not confiding/trusting anybody with them. When a person has also not taken the trust layed onto them seriously, this can in turn, cause a bad experience of trust, and can also cause low self esteem on the person who was not taken seriously. We can all think of a time when our trust has been betrayed, violated or not taken seriously, however intentional by the person. in some cases this can lead to a knock on effect of not taking their own issues seriously, therefore finding it difficult to seek out the motivation to trust a person enough to help them or listen or give advice, whatever.

The Bonding Process: this refers to the time in which 2 people develop an understanding of each other and in this post, i am referring to the bonding process of two adults. SOme people we bond with easily and others we find it more difficult to bond with. This can be attributed to interests, likes, dislikes, hobbies, culture or religion. If someone was  trying to bond with a person who loves nights on the town, rugby and watching the football, and the other loves cycling, camping and books, the bonding process of these two individuals is going to go through some barriers. On the other hand, two people attempting to bond who dont like team sports, love the theatre and/or both have a passion for politics, these people are going to bond pretty easily! Therefore, the bonding process is a part of trust building that is highly important, meaning that if the bonding process was successful, the issue of trusting each other should come more naturally.

Popularity: if a person has a lot of friends, who like them, and appears to hold traits such as agreeableness, assertiveness, sociable and honest, this can lead to the thought that ‘this person is trustworthy’. in my opinion, quite illusive, but, this can happen.

Career Choice: if you have an issue to do with their career or field, you might trust them more with it than another. Similarly, if you have a personal problem you may trust a doctor, counsellor, lawyer, community worker,(seeing these persons as friends rather than the professional context) more than, say your friend who works at the supermarket or local shop.

Persons Life Experience: if the person has been through the certain issue or problem you wish to trust them with you may be more willing to accept and trust their advice or confidentiality, rather than a person who has not experienced it.

These 5 factors contribute to the amount of trust we have in other people in our lives. But the development of trust begins with our first relationships, our parents/gaurdians. Trust versus mistrust(0-1yr) is the first stage of Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development. So it would be accurate to say, that if a child goes through this stage concluding that people are not be trusted, he/she is gonna have a few issues trusting people as they grow older. This can also lead to the person not accepting the trust that others put on them, as they may not have learned the importance of trust.

I know that in my lifetime, I would have overestimated the trust of some, and it has led to unwanted circumstances. But through trial and error, I know the people in my life who I can count on when I really need them. An interesting question a friend brought up recently is ‘who would you call at 4am and trust they would answer and help you with whatever?’ I think we all need that person in our lives, that 4ammer. I know who mine is, and I know that he would not only answer and listen to whatever had me call him in the first place, but he would actually want to help also. But, I only know that he would, because of past experience, he has been by my side when most would run a mile. I think it is important that we all sit down and think not only who would we call at 4am, but who would call us? Although this post has focused on our trust with others, we must also think about our own trustworthiness. More importantly, how much do we trust ourselves? I know there was a time in my life I did not trust myself, and I know others didn’t either. Part of this I believe is to do with knowing ourselves, going back to the second factor of trust which is Bonding. We also need to bond with ourselves, if we dont know ourselves, how can we trust ourselves. Knowing the self can be a long process and everyday we are discovering more about ourselves. But, it is important to take risks, try new things, put yourself out there, as it is the only way you are going to know yourself, therefore trusting yourself, and ultimately having the confidence that you are a person worthy of trust and therefore boosting your self esteem!

If you take anything from this post make it this

Trusting is knowing, so to trust you must know, and the self is where you should begin!,

We keep ourselves healthy for fear of illness

We go to work for fear of not having money

We obey the law for fear of imprisonment

We exchange empty hello’s with neightbours for fear what they might think, had we not

We empty our brains onto exam papers for the fear of failure

We keep our dreams to ourselves for fear of humiliation

 

FEAR

consumes our daily, nightly, hourly, lives and yet! Til you STOP. You won’t even realize it is there.  

STOP

Feel it, be it, see it, hear it. How is it manipulating you. What are you avoiding because of the FEAR. 

TRANSCEND

‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’ S. Jefferson.

Some thoughts on Ignorance

Conscious Ignorance + Unconscious Ignorance

Conscious Ignorance – when one goes about ignoring a certain issue,dilemma, person, aspect of life, willingly. e.g in disagreement, matter of dislike
Unconscious Ignorance – when one is not aware of their ignorance. The victim of the ignorance may make them uncomfortable or be unfamiliar. issue of death, controversial conflict

Ignorance stems from misunderstanding or non understanding. Ignorance ultimately means a non awareness of the world and life as a whole, as aspects of the world and life are blocked.
We need to be aware and understand as many aspects of the world as we can in order to succeed to our full potential.
Therefore, we must endeavour to transfer our ignorance to awareness.

Ignorance —–> Awareness

This thing called Introversion

 I remember in second year of secondary school, in social, physical and health studies, the teacher asking us who liked to spend time alone with themselves. absolutely nobody put their hand up, nobody! I remember thinking, hmm that is kinda me, and I thought no, I won’t put my hand up, everybody will think I am a freak. I also remember thinking, that the only people who are gonna agree to this one, are the loners of the class, the girls who have hardly any friends and are the unfortunate victims of constant bullying. I didn’t put my hand up for fear of what people would think, and also because of the fact that I would never put myself in a situation that I would have to explain myself to a large number of people. This was 8 years ago. I now (finally) have the courage and confidence to be able to say, yes I am an introvert. Some of you may not know what an introvert is, I am sure you have an idea, but do you really know?

I will explain:

Solitude. What does one think of when we mention the word solitude? A hermit at the peak of a mountain meditating perhaps? or maybe one watching the waves come in at a deserted beach? Or maybe you don’t associate solitude in such a peaceful way. Maybe you think of it as prison like. Like the time your parents grounded you from seeing your friends when you were absolutely dying to get to a party absolutely everyone was going to, or maybe you liken it to the feelings of a person confined to a prison cell or hospital ward. 

Solitude is what introverts need to gain energy, it is a state of being by oneself for any amount of time. 

Introverted persons lose energy when being in large social circuits, it actually exhausts them. this seems an abnormal trait by most. Introverts also prefer to socialize in small social groups, ideally one to one. Introverts are most productive when in calm environments and are enabled to do their work, in privacy, and yes, solitude. Introverts are sensitive, empathetic and intuitive. This means that we react to situations (namely unfamiliar situations), feelings and stimuli stronger than extroverts. It has also been found that introverts react stronger to pain and coffee. We freak the fuck out when we have to give a talk or speech in front of a large audience. We are extremely sensitive to the energy of others, I have been known for my mood to actually change if in a room of a large number of people, and one of those persons is exhibiting a strong vibe of some sort. 

It has taken me years to figure out what my strange ways were caused by, many of my theories include, lack of attachment to my mother as a child, an undiagnosed mental illness, and autism! As a child my extra curricular activities involved playing the violin, learning french and brownies. I hated sports, especially football and netball which would have been the most popular choice in my community. I did try them , only to quit. I was never part of a large group of friends, I always had the one or two best friends and that was it. The highlight of my week as a child was Saturday mornings, going to the library with my mam and two brothers, to pick out books to read for the week. I found it hard to only choose 3, which was the limit. 

Secondary school was a little bit tougher, I was becoming an adolescent, I moved to Ireland from England, alongside the traumatic change, I was battling with my quiet personality, and being the center stage as ‘the English girl’. I spend most of my teenage years thinking of ways I could get out of this horrible school environment, I just wanted to be left alone. Back then, I was just labelled as a troubled kid, but now, I know i was battling to be myself, among an extrovert society.

Adolescence was especially difficult as an introvert. I believe if we took more time to engage in the style of being for an introvert, there would be more ‘school finishers’, the waiting list of mental health clinics significantly reduced, suicide rates lowered, success rates higher, bullying also less common. We need to welcome introverts into society with open arms. Think about the classrooms you sat in, where they suitable for an introvert? think of your workplace, or past workplace, how does an introvert fit in there?

Introverts have a lot to offer (as do extroverts) we need to adapt our communities to allow these unique and not to mention able persons to succeed in life, to know that they are not ‘wrong’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

It is a shame that it has taken me this long to figure out why I am who I am, but there are others out there, who will take longer to realize they are introverted. This is a shame, as I know fully well the implications of ‘not knowing’. It can cause extreme confusion about who they are supposed to be.

If you think you might be an introvert or are not sure, if you, like I did, think you have some sort of undiagnosed or undiscovered mental illness. Read Susan Cains book on introversion ‘Quiet’. It will inspire.

The path

I walk down the path

The path is smooth, I am light on my feet

Daisies, poppies, sunflowers, all around

The sky is a very light blue, the sun is shining in the distance

though it is not too hot, yet not too cold

He is calling out to me,

I follow him, step for step

The path is so simple, yet so mysterious

It is straight, and yet wide,

So much to explore

I continue to follow

I chose this path

the colour, light, and simplicity,

Irresistable

As I continue,

The path becomes narrow

Its narrowing,

He is a bit ahead of me

I try to keep up,

But the path is so narrow

Its difficult too see him now

I look around me to find,

The beautiful nature

Not so beautiful anymore

The path is narrow

The path is now surrounded by weeds and thorns

I cannot see him anymore

This path is not what it was

I need to go back

To chose the other path

As I turn, I see I am trapped

Thorns and ugly weeds block me

I cannot turn around

I cannot change my path

Illicit Substance Use – Ireland

The exact prevalence of problem drug use in Ireland is unknown ,  although it may never be possible to identify the extent of this issue, it is possible to estimate it indirectly through such means, including treatment data, drug-related crime statistics and drug-related deaths. Official recognition of problem drug use in Ireland dates back to the mid-1960s. To begin with, illicit drug use was mainly limited to substances such as cannabis and LSD and the magnitude of the problem was relatively small. The early 1980′s saw a massive rise in the number of persons needing treatment for heroin dependence, and attainable statistics since this period of time report a solid increase in the numbers seeking treatment for opiate addiction. The issue of heroin dependence is observed to be confined to socially and economically disadvantaged areas. thus the social status of a person is highly attributal to the risk of dependance. In Dublin, it has been described as ‘probably the greatest single problem facing the capital’ (Ministerial Task Force, 1996,). Recent figures suggest that 53 percent of young people in Ireland have tried an illegal drug (National Youth Council of Ireland, 1998). A highly shocking and frightening figure when one thinks about the social, economic, and any other kind of consequence out there.

Societal attitudes towards a variety of issues surrounding drugs form the basis for this blog. Central to most definitions of the term ‘attitude’ is the belief that attitudes represent a psychological state or feeling which disposes the individual to react or respond in a positive or negative manner towards the object, situation or individual underconsideration. One of the more recent definitions to emerge from the attitudinal literature has been that of Eagle & Chai ken (1993), which describes attitudes as ‘tendencies to evaluate an entity with some degree of favour or disfavour [which are] ordinarily expressed in cognitive, affective and behavioural responses’ (p. 155). Definitions of this nature are suggestive of a link between attitudes towards an attitude object and behavioural responses to it. Pessimism about the strength of, or indeed the existence of an attitude-behaviour link, characterised the research literature during the 1950s to 1980s. However, current psycho-social research suggests that cognitions generally are related to behaviour, although there are a wide variety of inter-related factorsIncluding situational, environmental and socio-cultural factors (Aronson, Wilson &Alert, 1999).Relevant also to the present study is a brief overview of those aspects of the attitudinal literature relating to stereotypes, prejudice and attitudinal change. The concepts of prejudice and stereotypes, which are concerned with feelings, beliefs and evaluations about particular social groups, are important in understanding attitudes. Stereotypes have been defined as ‘shared, consensual beliefs about a group and as individual perceiver’s ‘beliefs about a group’ (Olson &Zane, 1993). ‘Prejudice’ refers to an unfavourable or negative evaluation of a particular social group. Prejudice is believed to develop from negative stereotypes of the group in question and to be predictive of discriminatory behaviour towards members of the group. Much of the evidence reports that prejudicial attitudes and related actions develop with age (Olson &Zane, 1993).

 

The issue of prejudice reduction is of particular relevance to this in terms of highlighting the best means of reducing prejudice towards drug addicted individuals. Olson &Zane (1993) comment that inter-groups contact is perhaps the most widely studied and suggested technique for reducing prejudice. In the Irish context, research by Moran (1977) into attitudes towards the psychologically distressed was suggestive of a positive relationship between (high) familiarity and (favourable) attitude. Moran (1977) found that those who knew an individual who had suffered from a psychological illness were less fearful and more sympathetic in their attitude toward them, and deduced

‘…there is potential for positive attitude change with increased interaction between the mentally ill and the general public’ 

She

Take her away, to that place

Where she can be anything, a crab, a fish, a mermaid

Anything other than what she has become

Keep lining up the powder

Until the lines are no more lines but a survival method

For her to exist 

She lies on the carpet, screaming

She has entered oblivion

She has entered that place

The place that isolates her from her reality

A survival from the nightmare of desperation to exist

 

Release her,

Release the shame, the guilt,

She lies on the carpet

4 months pregnant and in an alternate world

She haunts me.